GameSpy.com Presents: The Sim-Limpic Games
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first annual "Sim-Limpic Games," little tiny virtual sports played with little tiny virtual people."
The Sim-Limpic Games: Hot, Wet, and Unsportsmanlike
By Dave Kosak
This week, courtesy of the Sims 2, Fargo commentates on a spectacularly unusual competition.
With The Sims 2 a mere two weeks away, my anticipation has reached a fever pitch. Check out this massive preview, this Interview with Will Wright, or a previous humor column of mine. Mark my words: Sims 2 is going to be the best full-featured household simulation title since ... uh ... the ... Sims, I guess.
With that in mind, I've kicked off a little event I call:
The Sim-Limpic Games
Fargo: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first annual "Sim-Limpic Games," little tiny virtual sports played with little tiny virtual people. With me to co-commentate this week is Mike Sliszowsky, professional grognard and longtime PlanetFargo Correspondent. His essays on Desert Combat Strategies and Mastery of Battlefield 1942 have become the source of more PlanetFargo hate mail than that time I showed people how to cheat at Counter-Strike by drilling holes in their modems.
Sliszowsky: Hola, dirtball.
Fargo: Now, the real Olympic games involve tests of strength or dexterity. In The Sims 2, that's all but irrelevant, unless your Sim is opening a can of beer. What matters are skills like making hamburgers and flirting with 12 chicks at once while hiding them from each other. With that in mind, let's kick off our first event: BINGE DRINKING!
Sliszowsky: I've already started.
Fargo: The crowd favorite here is definitely Bufus, pictured above, playing for the Americans. Look at him go! He's dropping them faster than balloons at the Republican convention.
Sliszowsky: He's been in training for this since he was 12.
Fargo: Speaking of competition, his main opponent here is Lillith Plesant, who as you can see has been in continuous physical training for over 5 consecutive minutes, and, as a result, reeks to high heaven. What team is Lillith playing for again?
Sliszowsky: I have it on good authority she plays for both teams.
Fargo: WOW! And already Bufus has drank the Ukranian team right into the ground:
Sliszowsky: She hit the dirt like a tent-peg. I haven't seen a woman get that ripped since my Mom took me to the prom.
Fargo: We'll come back to Binge Drinking in a moment.
Sliszowsky: We always do!
Fargo: Next up is the Woo-Hoo competition. "Woo-Hoo" is what the Sims call, uh, it's how they describe -- well, this is embarrassing. Mike, how would you describe Woo-Hoo?
Sliszowsky: It's like love but leaves stains.
Fargo: We'll edit that comment out later. The Woo-Hoo competition is in full swing.
Sliszowsky: In fact, the Russian team is using swings.
Fargo: It's hard to tell from here, Mike. Is that freestyle Woo-Hoo or are they doing the Butterfly stroke?
Sliszowsky: I'm hoping to see some doggie-paddling, myself.
Fargo: Thank God we're broadcasting on a tape delay. Let's move on to one of my favorite events, the "Hip-Hop House Party Gymnastics." And what a shocker! Lillith Pleasant, already several years older, is really cutting up a rug:
Sliszowsky: I'd say Bufus is winning.
Fargo: Bufus isn't even competing in this event.
Sliszowsky: C'mon, look at the picture.
Fargo: Before we move on, it's time for a little bit of Sim-Limpic trivia. Do you know what the five rings on the Sim-Limpic flag mean? They represent the time-honored values of every Sim: Knowledge! Family! Wealth! Popularity! And getting some.
Sliszowsky: The five rings are interlocked to represent some sort of cross-coupled love-in. Hoo-ah!
Fargo: That is true, whenever I play The Sims 2 it always ends up playing out like some sort of late-night Cinemax movie.
Sliszowsky: Then you don't play hard enough. When I play it's like pay-per-view, baby.
Fargo: Whoa, stop the presses ladies and gentlemen. We're cutting to a live shot from the park just outside the Sim-Limpic village, where it looks like Chinese favorite Feng Shui is preparing partner Lucy Burb for the Woo-Hoo event:
Sliszowsky: Bah, he's exaggerating, I saw him in the showers earlier.
Fargo: Romance is in the air! And so are the flies. Have you ever seen the Toilet in the Sim-Limpic village? It's like an event in and of itself:
Sliszowsky: It's like a porcelain version of DOOM 3.
Fargo: And it's time once again for the Woo-Hoo!
Sliszowsky: It is ALWAYS time for Woo-Hoo. Now, this is a tight event, but I'd have to say that my money's on the Hot Asian Team.
Fargo: Well, putting aside your politically incorrect bias for a moment, I would point out that there really isn't a single "Asian" team. Asia is a colorful continent with a multitude of diverse cultures and politics. You've got your hot Chinese girls, your hot Korean girls, your hot Japanese girls...
Sliszowsky: WE ARE ALL WINNERS HERE.
Fargo: What's this? This is unprecedented! Some Woo-Hoo is off the chart here in the medal round. I think that -- who is that? Is the woman from the Brazillian team cheating on her boyfriend?
Sliszowsky: I think she's getting her Woo-Hoo on with the French Maid. Now that's what I call Sims bustin' out!
Fargo: The judges are desperately trying to score it an "11."
Sliszowsky: It'll be really hard for the other teams to catch up.
Fargo: But Eugene is sure trying:
Sliszowsky: This next event speaks to me on a personal level. It's the "Knocking Over Garbage Cans" event.
Fargo: Now, to be fair, it's not really an event. It's just whenever we try to play Sims 2 this one crazy broad keeps walking around overturning the neighborhood garbage cans.
Sliszowsky: Uh oh, Feng Shui is coming out in his pajamas to give her a piece of his mind. And possibly a foot to the crotch. This is gonna be great.
Fargo: Hold up, I think he just threatened to, and I quote, "go Wang Chung" on her ass.
Sliszowsky: That really weakens his argument.
Fargo: And now he's crying.
Fargo: Mike, how's the Binge Drinking coming?
Sliszowsky: I'm just getting started. But once I'm done with the surly phase here, I'll start hugging everyone.
Fargo: I don't mean for you, I mean for The Sims.
Sliszowsky: Oh, right, right! Bufus shows no sign of letting up.
Fargo: He just threw his last glass on the ground and he's hitting the bottle directly. I wonder how the judges will rank that?
Sliszowsky: It's hard to read them, since the judges have been partying drink-for-drink with Bufus the whole time. For the last hour there have been more plus signs flying around over their heads than in a first-grade math book.
Fargo: And the scores are in! It looks like... well... It looks like a 98.5, the roman numeral VI, and what appears to be a schwa.
Sliszowsky: One of the judges is just giving him the horns. And now he's taking a sponge bath in the sink.
Fargo: Usually that means the party's over.
Sliszowsky: Or it's just getting started.
Fargo: Let's give all of our winners a hand!
Sliszowsky: Screw that. I'm going over here to give a hand to the Sweedish women's Woo-Hoo team. Hand me my thong.
Fargo: Someone cut to commercial. Please. Hurry.